Jokes We Didn’t Use Pt. 6 – Lights Out with David Spade

Jokes We Didn’t Use Pt. 6 – Lights Out with David Spade

Oh, hi there. Just
making a few last-minute… [Chuckles] My job’s never done here. I am doing jokes that didn’t
make it for some reason. People say, “Oh those jokes are
funnier than the ones in the show.” But guess
what? Most of these actually
get in the rehearsal or the actual show, and they
don’t laugh, so we’re giving ’em a second
shot here. I’m gonna give ’em a
little more oomph and zing. The new “Terminator” movie
bombed at the box office. Arnold said, “I’ll be back,” and America said, “Ehh, you know
what? Take your time. Absolutely no
rush. You relax. You know, if you’re
right back, that’s for sure.” You know what? I feel like it’s sort
of milked itself out. [Squirting noises] Give some to the kitty. [Meows] [Licking noises] A mother was strangled
when her scarf got caught in a food processor while she was making
her son a birthday cake. The kid says he’s surprised – usually your birthday
wish doesn’t come true until after you blow out the
candles. Killing your mom jokes are…
tricky at best. I sort of liked it ’cause
it was out of the blue and has nothing to do with showbiz. But we are a current events show, and that is an event
that happened currently. It’s National Men Make Dinner
Day – big day for the fire department. Cute. It’s cute. If I want
cute, I’ll get a puppy. Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have called off their
engagement. Every time they picked up a
knife to cut the cake, she would
give it to her plastic surgeon. Mean. And if it’s too
mean, it’s not worth it. Like, the mean was more mean
than the funny. So, out. In South Beach over the weekend, Cuba Gooding’s girlfriend
had to be escorted out of… Girlfriend! Holy shit. This
guy still has a girlfriend? Show me the reason! “Jerry Maguire.” Miley Cyrus had vocal cord
surgery and will require several weeks
of silence. Anything that can make her stop
posting. Doctor, could you throw that in? So I don’t have to see 500
Instagram stories of you grabbing your boyfriend’s
dick? I like that one, though. Two parents on “Dr. Phil”
say their adopted daughter was actually an adult
dwarf posing as a teenager. Apparently, she’s a lepre-con
artist. Love a play on words. Love it. We can always save this
one for St. Paddy’s Day. Ow. Medic. Quibi – great name –
a mobile streaming platform, is launching an all-female
practical joke show. It’s actually a period piece. A man in China paid $67 for
a fake tuberculosis diagnosis so he could take a longer
vacation. Wait, you can get a fake
TB diagnosis for $67? My guy’s $300! But you know
what? He throws in dengue fever for a
rainy day. Nice to have in your back pocket in case Dawkin comes to town. “Hey, work, I couldn’t go.
I had fuckin’ dengue fever. There’s the goddamn thing. read it and weep, muthafucka.” I do characters. Caitlyn Jenner. You guys know Caitlyn Jenner. It’s like I’m doing crowd work. Caitlyn Jenner signed to
do a British reality show, “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of
Here!” If you put your ear up to
Caitlyn, you can hear Bruce
screaming the same thing. I like that one. It’s kinda
clever. Audience did not. Papa John’s is introducing a new
crust for the first time in 35 years. Unfortunately, it’s in Papa’s
underpants. Now, “underpants” is funny, but it’s the funniest part of the
joke, which is not a great sign. It’s juvenile. Crust in his
underwear – that’s the best these
assholes can come up with? Last one. This one’s a
fuckin’ doozy. I already know why we didn’t do
this one. Prince Charles joined Instagram. Pretty messed up that on his
first post, it was a picture of Lady
Diana’s car captioned, “Woman crush Wednesday.” Nope! Nope! No. I refuse, out of respect. Lights Out.

50 thoughts on “Jokes We Didn’t Use Pt. 6 – Lights Out with David Spade

  1. Love the show David please don't pull a Jim Jeffreys on us. I would have to cancel my phiol your show and Jim's was the only reason for it.

  2. Some of these were funny but Spade can make any of them work with his sound effects and milking mimes. Laughed more at 'some for the kitty' than any of the actual jokes.

  3. That milking bit. 😂
    I wonder if David's gestures and sound effects are spontaneous or he practices them in a mirror lol.

  4. I'd like to see another comedian do one of these installments, impersonating David Spade. Then at the end David could appear and say it wasn't funny, or offer suggestions.

  5. I liked the sick & twisted jokes, and I also saw all 3 Human Centipede films. If I find it funny, everyone else will find it messed up.

  6. The Arnold S., get out of work longer for Tuberculosis and your response of it, and Katlin J. jokes were funny, the rest were laim.

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